Okay, so I managed to rebreak my little toe (for the third time), and while it’s been set by my buddy and should heal just fine, it’s clearly put a damper on working out. I’m not allowed to run for a couple months. So … I’m looking for workout alternatives. Since I’m trying to lose weight, I need cardio options with no real pressure/movement on my left foot … which is a MAJOR challenge.
Anybody have an bright ideas?
So, apparently May is national foster care month. I learned this at church today. And before I go further, let me just say that I’m thrilled to be part of a church community that is so willing to press the issue of caring for the orphans, widows, homeless, poor, etc. But some days, it hurts. Like today.
I sat listening to the Kecks share about sitting up at night, holding a girl who was temporarily in their care because she couldn’t stop screaming because of the nightmares. And all I could think was how badly I wanted to help children like that. Because I know what it’s like to be haunted by nightmares you can’t even verbalize. But I can’t help them. I never will. I have the scars and nightmares to prove it, along with a disintegrating marriage. Even if I got better, I’d never bring a child into this marriage. It wouldn’t be healthy for them. Though I realize it probably wouldn’t be any worse.
Then we sang this song. And I’m still trying to decide how to take it work through what exactly God is saying.
You’re Everything
David Crowder Band
You’re everything
I could want
That I could need
If I could see
You want me
Could I believe?
‘Cause You’re perfectly
All I want, all I need
If I could just feel Your touch
Could I be free?
Why do You shine so?
Can a blind man see?
Why do You call?
Do You beckon me?
Can the deaf hear the voice of love?
Would You have me come?
Can the cripple run?
Are You the one?
Chorus:
To raise me up
From this grave
Touch my tongue
And then I’ll sing
Heal my limbs
Then joyfully I’ll run to You [2x]
Outro:
‘Cause You’re everything [4x]
And I’m alive and I’ll sing
And I’m alive and I’m free [6x]
What’s it say to you?
Weddings are hard. I love my friends and I truly believe they’ll be happy, but it also rubs salt in an already incredibly painful wound. And babies are even worse, though, again, I’m truly happy for those having them. But mostly, I’m tired of hiding.
This weekend, at my friend’s wedding, I had to cover my scars with makeup, though she insisted I leave my tattoo uncovered because “it’s you.” But it was exhausting to try to make sure my scars remained covered. And it’s exhausting to try to hide the pang of pain I feel every time a friend tells me they’re getting married, they’re in love, they’re pregnant, etc. But how do you tell people of your pain and yet leave yourself open to hearing of their joys?
I just want to be known, understood, and loved in spite of it all. I want to be hugged, cuddled, kissed. I want to be wanted. I want to be loved. I want to be pursued. I want to be valued.
Sorry for the “woe is me” tone of this post. I’m just really struggling, and this is a nice way to let those emotions free without hurting myself or anyone else. In good news, this is day 66 of being self-injury free! (Intentional self-injury free - I’m still a klutz and currently sporting a bruise from the desk at the doctor’s office. Ugh.)
Dear teacher yelling at me for drawing on my friend’s arms,
My friend came up to me today and said she had the urge to start cutting again, so I started drawing butterflies on her arms, naming them after all the people who love her. It’s to help her get better.
Sincerely, smiling through detention.
Lord,
Today, help me believe your love is enough.
First day back working out. The goal? To make those arms smaller and lose the lovehandles and lower belly pudge. To keep me motivated, I’m wearing a shirt currently one size too small for all of the photos.
Today’s workout was a beginner’s MMA conditioning workout. Kind of fun, but very tough. Tomorrow, cardio with Suzie. After that, who knows. I’m up for trying new things!
Of course, the ultimate goal of getting back to working out (besides getting in shape) is to find a healthy way in which I can consistently fight depression, cutting, suicidal thoughts, etc. So, please pray for me to find success!
Who knew?
Having tattoos is just like slavery but not as bad.
I never thought I’d say this, but I think we might all survive this semester! I have minimal grading left and one research paper and presentation. It’s not going to be super fun, but it is finally at least doable.
Now if only my personal life, depression, cutting, etc. seemed as manageable.
Big interview Thursday (as in tomorrow!!) that could give me the chance to start over. Plus, it’s my dream job - a little teaching, a little advising, a little tutoring. Perfection. So, if you’re the praying kind, pray hard for this one!
Now, lest you think this “fresh start” is just running away, let’s clarify. I’m well aware that my problems will follow me, even if I get this amazing job. However, if I get this job, it will come with certain qualifications/requirements. I will take the job, if offered (which I still think is an extremely long shot), but before I agree to move with my husband, he will have to agree to the following things:
This is just a rough draft and initial thoughts. On the off chance that I do get this job, I’ll be revising the list before I present it to him. So, any revision, deletion, addition, or other change suggestions?
